my grain.

partially paralyzed, plaguing pain presently prevents proactive personal performance.

Don't read or read into this.

I feel like dying.

I really just wanted to write those words down because they won't get out of my head.  And the more I think about them without writing them down, the worse I feel.  I feel bad for feeling that way.  Bad for not expressing myself.  Just bad, bad, bad.

Sometimes I feel like making this journal private, but nobody reads it, so it doesn't matter.  I wish people who didn't know me read it.  I wish I could reach out in the darkness and connect to random strangers.  I'm so afraid of people judging me, of the people I know finding out how I really feel, how weak I really am.  I'm afraid of people getting tired of my whining.

When did I become so self-conscious?

I'm so frustrated and stressed.  My writing is awful.  Seriously, it's so terrible I don't even want to take a look at it.  I haven't even made it past page 5, and I would rather chop off fingers than try to type any more.  It doesn't make sense, I don't even know what I'm trying to say with the story anymore.

I feel like I've fucked myself over so bad that I won't be able to come back.  I'm starting to have a panic attack, but in slow-motion.  Suffocating week by week.

I didn't go to lecture tonight so that I could write.  Instead I made chicken fajitas, sat in front of the computer for a few hours and have about a page and a half to show for it.

I WANT TO PUT A GUN IN MY MOUTH AND END THIS.

Why does typing that make me feel better?  It shouldn't.  It should make me feel worse.  It does, but in a different way.

I'm so tired of feeling this...

OUCH.

Where's ET when you need him?  I'm in awful pain.  My back just spasmed and I collapsed in the kitchen. I guess I lifted too much at the gym today.  160lbs on the V squat isn't a whole lot.  My back is just that weak, i guess.  not even a back exercise.  I'm sorry, I can't write a proper entry it hurts so much.  I have a muscle relaxer and 2 codeine pills headed into my blood stream, so i'm likely to pass out soon anyway.  I just wanted to adhere to some semblance of this schedule of mine.

I will what I will.

I spend a lot of my time thinking, over-thinking, and analyzing. Its interesting to me that I can take so much time to weigh and measure, and yet still feel like I am someone who "accepts" things readily and lives in the moment.

I've come to a realization- something I've thought about many times before but never really paid attention to - so many of my thoughts and actions are responses to potential reactions of other people. Very often I limit myself, or present myself in a different way based on who I'm around and how I want them to think of me. This isn't new. I've always sort of prided myself in my ability to be a social chameleon. I'm finding, however, that it's coming at the expense my individuality.

Very few people know the me that I know, the one I'd like to show in all situations.

I had made the resolution some months back to be "unapologetically me." And while I have grown fond of that idea, now I believe I have the confidence to actually integrate the ideology into my life.

I'm tired of this fractured understanding of who I am. Rather than have only a glint of my true personality shine through a situationally affected character, I want to shine as myself constantly, and compromise only slightly as the situation requires.

It's time to make myself happy based on what I want and need. If who I am and how I act doesn't fit with someone else's idea, that's fine. Just don't expect me to change.

Its funny, as I look back on my life, the younger I was, the less I really cared what other people thought of me. Age makes you self-conscious, and that's a deceit I do not desire.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Rambled Understanding

A schism. A division of infinite depth and recursion. Everything separates in order to recombine. Atoms, thoughts, people. What is the atomic weight of words? An omnipresent mass of cognition. Each thought in our heads is made up of pieces of fractured sensory input. Strings and conglomerations and wisps of those thoughts fire off in sequences that give our minds a sense of self-awareness, a consciousness. We are conscious because we are aware of our thoughts. But there is an order above us. Our minds are pieces of a larger consciousness. Our power of perception as individuals is dwarfed by the power and purpose of the whole. Together, we all perceive the physical world, set a baseline understanding of color, shape, taste, sound, but this is not just for our own edification. R.A. Wilson said that, "[Humans] are sensory organs the Universe created in order to perceive itself." Our modalities exist not to serve our consciousness, but to relay that information elsewhere; we are to the universe what eyes are to us.

And so it goes, just like that, on up the chain.

As above, so below, and "It's turtles! Turtles all the way down."

Take off and absentia.

It's been a while, but that's how it usually goes with me. I am horribly inconsistent with blog upkeep, especially when I know that no one is reading. Why is that, that I am more compelled to write for an audience than I am for myself? I think that's interesting, and very telling of what kind of person I am.

I'm transitioning, though. 2008 was a deciding year for me, a baseline where I determined what I would do and how I would approach my career; a jumping off point if you will. Well I've jumped. I am in the air and flapping my arms, and thanks to a few updrafts, I'm learning how to fly. 2009 is going to be full of hard work, but it is already the most rewarding year of my life, and I'm not even halfway through the first month!

So my apologies for the absence, but I've been formulating plans and hatching plots. Things are afoot now, balls are rolling, and I'm living my life with gratitude and determination. I plan to make entries here a more regular occurance; perhaps if I become a part of, or cultivate some semblance of community here I'd be more inclined...until then i'll have to wait for situations like today, where I'm in a coffee shop while my car's oil is being changed, and I have little else to do.

Be on the lookout, though. A website for my professional writing is in development and in all likelihood this blog will be fed into there.

Ciao!
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Flow

It's the cool confidence that glides through life.

Fire, water, wind, and earth are all liquids on some level.

Obstacles are merely shifts in perspective.

There is always enough.
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