boo.

I just wrote a huge essay on here about how I'm afraid to express myself on the internet, and now I just took it down because I'm afraid to express myself on the internet.

What's the buzz all about?

I had a really great weekend these past few days.  I spent a lot of time with Kate, ate a lot of good food, played music, danced, exercise, and overall felt very satisfied.

I feel like it really deserves an entry of its own, but I had a powerful experience yesterday (saturday) in regards to channeling energy.  I don't know that I can write it all now, but I made a voicenote on my phone right after it happened, explaining it.

Basically, I was able to find a way to vibrate my body at a controlled frequency, and increased that vibration to a point where I almost lifted from the ground.  It was cool but frightening, I was afraid that I would damage myself (more mentally than anything else).

I want to try it again, not with the intention of trying to fly, but just to see if I can replicate that energy conduit, and the dialing in of the vibration to a frequency.  I feel like the key to understanding what's going on lies somewhere growing comfortable with physically engaging in an action the idea of which runs counter to the logic of our accepted reality.

Also, my dreams have been more vivid since, and I have had "kundalini-type" energy, twisting throughout my body as well.

making plans.

So I've decided that being more regimented about creativity is a good thing.  Writing our 15 of free verse in the morning, and then writing a journal entry at night is a great habit.  Then in a month (1/2 way through the year), we'll start revisiting previous entries and reflect in a vlog.  Also, one short a week.  Brainstorm and shoot wednesday, edit thursday, post on Friday.

We need to always have something cooking.  So while these are staples, we still have to do our work: school, professional assignments, but I think it's important to remain in motion.

Lots of content, let's just produce!!!    Have some fun.

my grain.

partially paralyzed, plaguing pain presently prevents proactive personal performance.

Don't read or read into this.

I feel like dying.

I really just wanted to write those words down because they won't get out of my head.  And the more I think about them without writing them down, the worse I feel.  I feel bad for feeling that way.  Bad for not expressing myself.  Just bad, bad, bad.

Sometimes I feel like making this journal private, but nobody reads it, so it doesn't matter.  I wish people who didn't know me read it.  I wish I could reach out in the darkness and connect to random strangers.  I'm so afraid of people judging me, of the people I know finding out how I really feel, how weak I really am.  I'm afraid of people getting tired of my whining.

When did I become so self-conscious?

I'm so frustrated and stressed.  My writing is awful.  Seriously, it's so terrible I don't even want to take a look at it.  I haven't even made it past page 5, and I would rather chop off fingers than try to type any more.  It doesn't make sense, I don't even know what I'm trying to say with the story anymore.

I feel like I've fucked myself over so bad that I won't be able to come back.  I'm starting to have a panic attack, but in slow-motion.  Suffocating week by week.

I didn't go to lecture tonight so that I could write.  Instead I made chicken fajitas, sat in front of the computer for a few hours and have about a page and a half to show for it.

I WANT TO PUT A GUN IN MY MOUTH AND END THIS.

Why does typing that make me feel better?  It shouldn't.  It should make me feel worse.  It does, but in a different way.

I'm so tired of feeling this...

OUCH.

Where's ET when you need him?  I'm in awful pain.  My back just spasmed and I collapsed in the kitchen. I guess I lifted too much at the gym today.  160lbs on the V squat isn't a whole lot.  My back is just that weak, i guess.  not even a back exercise.  I'm sorry, I can't write a proper entry it hurts so much.  I have a muscle relaxer and 2 codeine pills headed into my blood stream, so i'm likely to pass out soon anyway.  I just wanted to adhere to some semblance of this schedule of mine.

I will what I will.

I spend a lot of my time thinking, over-thinking, and analyzing. Its interesting to me that I can take so much time to weigh and measure, and yet still feel like I am someone who "accepts" things readily and lives in the moment.

I've come to a realization- something I've thought about many times before but never really paid attention to - so many of my thoughts and actions are responses to potential reactions of other people. Very often I limit myself, or present myself in a different way based on who I'm around and how I want them to think of me. This isn't new. I've always sort of prided myself in my ability to be a social chameleon. I'm finding, however, that it's coming at the expense my individuality.

Very few people know the me that I know, the one I'd like to show in all situations.

I had made the resolution some months back to be "unapologetically me." And while I have grown fond of that idea, now I believe I have the confidence to actually integrate the ideology into my life.

I'm tired of this fractured understanding of who I am. Rather than have only a glint of my true personality shine through a situationally affected character, I want to shine as myself constantly, and compromise only slightly as the situation requires.

It's time to make myself happy based on what I want and need. If who I am and how I act doesn't fit with someone else's idea, that's fine. Just don't expect me to change.

Its funny, as I look back on my life, the younger I was, the less I really cared what other people thought of me. Age makes you self-conscious, and that's a deceit I do not desire.
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