Sunday, July 3, 2011

boo.

I just wrote a huge essay on here about how I'm afraid to express myself on the internet, and now I just took it down because I'm afraid to express myself on the internet.

Monday, June 6, 2011

What's the buzz all about?

I had a really great weekend these past few days.  I spent a lot of time with Kate, ate a lot of good food, played music, danced, exercise, and overall felt very satisfied.

I feel like it really deserves an entry of its own, but I had a powerful experience yesterday (saturday) in regards to channeling energy.  I don't know that I can write it all now, but I made a voicenote on my phone right after it happened, explaining it.

Basically, I was able to find a way to vibrate my body at a controlled frequency, and increased that vibration to a point where I almost lifted from the ground.  It was cool but frightening, I was afraid that I would damage myself (more mentally than anything else).

I want to try it again, not with the intention of trying to fly, but just to see if I can replicate that energy conduit, and the dialing in of the vibration to a frequency.  I feel like the key to understanding what's going on lies somewhere growing comfortable with physically engaging in an action the idea of which runs counter to the logic of our accepted reality.

Also, my dreams have been more vivid since, and I have had "kundalini-type" energy, twisting throughout my body as well.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

making plans.

So I've decided that being more regimented about creativity is a good thing.  Writing our 15 of free verse in the morning, and then writing a journal entry at night is a great habit.  Then in a month (1/2 way through the year), we'll start revisiting previous entries and reflect in a vlog.  Also, one short a week.  Brainstorm and shoot wednesday, edit thursday, post on Friday.

We need to always have something cooking.  So while these are staples, we still have to do our work: school, professional assignments, but I think it's important to remain in motion.

Lots of content, let's just produce!!!    Have some fun.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

my grain.

partially paralyzed, plaguing pain presently prevents proactive personal performance.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Don't read or read into this.

I feel like dying.

I really just wanted to write those words down because they won't get out of my head.  And the more I think about them without writing them down, the worse I feel.  I feel bad for feeling that way.  Bad for not expressing myself.  Just bad, bad, bad.

Sometimes I feel like making this journal private, but nobody reads it, so it doesn't matter.  I wish people who didn't know me read it.  I wish I could reach out in the darkness and connect to random strangers.  I'm so afraid of people judging me, of the people I know finding out how I really feel, how weak I really am.  I'm afraid of people getting tired of my whining.

When did I become so self-conscious?

I'm so frustrated and stressed.  My writing is awful.  Seriously, it's so terrible I don't even want to take a look at it.  I haven't even made it past page 5, and I would rather chop off fingers than try to type any more.  It doesn't make sense, I don't even know what I'm trying to say with the story anymore.

I feel like I've fucked myself over so bad that I won't be able to come back.  I'm starting to have a panic attack, but in slow-motion.  Suffocating week by week.

I didn't go to lecture tonight so that I could write.  Instead I made chicken fajitas, sat in front of the computer for a few hours and have about a page and a half to show for it.

I WANT TO PUT A GUN IN MY MOUTH AND END THIS.

Why does typing that make me feel better?  It shouldn't.  It should make me feel worse.  It does, but in a different way.

I'm so tired of feeling this...

Thursday, January 6, 2011

OUCH.

Where's ET when you need him?  I'm in awful pain.  My back just spasmed and I collapsed in the kitchen. I guess I lifted too much at the gym today.  160lbs on the V squat isn't a whole lot.  My back is just that weak, i guess.  not even a back exercise.  I'm sorry, I can't write a proper entry it hurts so much.  I have a muscle relaxer and 2 codeine pills headed into my blood stream, so i'm likely to pass out soon anyway.  I just wanted to adhere to some semblance of this schedule of mine.